Don't missionaries go to heaven as well?
this post was submitted on 11 Oct 2025
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No, that's where they come from. Back in the good old days they used to end up in kettles stirred by members of primitive tribes wearing chef hats. Nowadays they are probably getting composted.
Not enough of them ended up that way which is proof that the lord ain’t all that.
It's only premarital sex if you get married afterward
On a long enough timeline, you’ll be married to everyone.
For the American religious Christian prudes who look down on extramarital sex and believe they have the moral authority above everyone else ... they sure spend a lot of time thinking about it, fantasizing about it, talking about it, doing it and showing it to everyone
Makes me think of the weird practice of 'Soaking' or 'Jump humping'
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soaking_(sexual_practice)
Soaking - Inserting the penis into a vagina without movement
Jump Humping - having a third person move or shake the bed while your are soaking so that the couple are not making actual sexual movements, they are just moving to the rhythm of the bed
.... yeah, God is such an idiot that anyone can easily circumvent the rules
.... yeah, God is such an idiot that anyone can easily circumvent the rules
God: "don't carry stuff around on Saturdays"
Humanity: "That's inconvenient, here's a bunch of imaginary doorframes so I'm technically not leaving my house."
thousand of years of rules lawyering noises
They believe in an all-knowing god but think he can be tricked by the most facile technicalities.
Wait till you hear about the stupid-ass peice of string that someone ran around the entire county in New York so every Jewish person can claim the whole place is “in their house” and therefore like 80% of their religious restrictions magically don’t apply to them on the weekend.
with your god as my witness your god is a t-rex
I only found these two last year and I love whenever they pop up. Never heard this one before. Thanks!
IIRC the line that gets people worked up about sex before marriage is just something like "Keep the wedding bed pure" ...kinda vague, and to me personally it reads a lot more as "don't cheat on your SO" than anything to do with timing of sex.
Definitely not a theologist though, so grain of salt.
I interpret it as "Don't eat biscuits in bed". Nobody wants to sleep on sticky crunch after you're both done.
So you're telling me there are more loopholes than the classic poophole loophole...
This changes things.
Combine these loopholes to be sure
The Young Christians Yiffing Association are thrilled
your mom's a biblical loophole
One that's really easy to drive a camel through.
when yo mamma sits around jerusalem she really sits around jerusalem
Now you ruined dog girls for me! I'm not going into that boring place filled with weird multi-eyed creatures.
Just have threesomes with a catgirl, and make sure the last thrust is into her instead.
I'm a theologist, and this is true.
Bit if it's consensual, isn't it a cosin?
And if you're outside in daylight, is it a tan?
If it's a cosin isn't it incest or trigonometry?
Wait,
So I, a devout worshipper of my partners jingle-jangles, am automatically going to heaven because I've been making him my bitch in my throes of passion every weekend?
...thus are you also saying that there would be many like me in heaven, again, for me to make all of them my bitches???
I think I've started liking this religious thing.