this post was submitted on 18 Aug 2025
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When I was fairly younger, I was in a relationship with a woman who told me that if she were to learn that I had sex with a man, especially bottoming but also topping (she didn't use those terms, she used bad terms), then she would feel disgusted and betrayed and would never feel attracted to me again or see me as a man again.
I said to her that I was disappointed in her, that she had internalised homophobia and that she was a massive hypocrite. Her self proclaimed best male friend presented to the world as flamingly gay, and she was openly bi herself, not as in "I would totally fuck women cause I like the idea of it", bus as in she had fucked women before and would do it again. Apparently she deserves to be fucked by a real man, which apparently bi men are not.
So...yeah, you can be a loudly proclaimed ally AND a member of the LGBTQ community yourself, and still be a disgusting homophobe right alongside the best of bigots.
Honestly, while the exact way your ex handled the situation probably wasn't ideal, this notion is really just an extension of the sexual puritanism that created homophobia in the first place. Imo, we should just accept that people's sexual desires are what they are. If someone is turned off by bi guys, that's fine - she doesn't have to date them. Just like it is perfectly fine to be turned off by people with red hair, or people with annoying laughs, or people who are skinnier or fatter than whatever your personal preference is. Some people aren't interested in shy people. Some people aren't interested in dumb people. Some people aren't interested in poor people. Does it suck when someone you like isn't interested in you because of something you can't control? Yes! But at the same time, people's sexual preferences are also largely outside their control. So why demonize them for them?
Ugh... Thanks for whiteknighting my ex's being biphobic with your moral relativism.
First of all I don't know why you felt the need to inject sexual puritanism into the conversation, it's not really a thing culturally in present day France, especially not in me or my exes mindset or social circles.
Second, don't give me this your mileage may vary bullshit, some things are objectively bad. Having preferences is fine. Being phobic against a group of people is not. It's fine to be more easily attracted to tall people, or short, or green eyed, or mixed raced or whatever physical characteristic, as long as it doesn't turn into a fetish, and I won't get into that whole other subject. But being repulsed or disliking an entire group of people because of a not morally wrong trait, is objectively wrong and textbook definition of being phobic. Being attracted more easily/often to white people with blue eyes and dimples rather than black people is fine, you like what you like. But being repulsed by all black people, or gingers, or Asians, for the sole reason they are black, or ginger, or Asian, is not. And no, nobody said you owe some random person a shag, just because they're from a minority. But questioning why someone is repulsed by the entirety of group of people is legitimate. If there's something universally morally wrong with a group, like fucking Nazis, it's fine being repulsed. If there's a rational reason to reject someone, like not wanting to get a in a relationship with a firefighter cause you don't want a partner who may die in a fire one day, or your sexual orientation is not compatible, then it's fine rejecting them but not disliking or being repulsed by them. If the only reason you dislike or are repulsed by a group of people is irrational, like they're a different race or different sexual orientation, then it's textbook bigotry/phobia, and that's objectively wrong.
So to go back to the story with my ex; being a bisexual man is not a visual or physical trait. So if you're a woman who likes having sex with men, and you were to reject or feel disgust for a man you otherwise are attracted to and enjoy having sex with, for the only reason that you can't deal with the idea/image of him having sex with other men in the past, that's textbook biphobia and homophobia, and that's objectively wrong. If you feel so disturbed by this hypothetical, you feel the need to ask me, your partner at the time, a self declared straight man you are in a committed relationship with, if I hid sexual experiences with men from you, to assuage your irrational fears, you're being biphobic and that's just wrong. Again, if you're a woman having sex with men, and don't trust bisexual men because you think they will cheat with men, guess what, still biphobic, still wrong. Nobody's demonizing anybody, moral relativism sucks, some things are in fact objectively wrong.
yeah, it's super weird how desperate people are to rationalize this nonsense.
like... being turned off by someone's race. it's just your phobia/racism. it's not a 'preference' like people like to claim. esp if your 'turned off' feelings are a product or assumption about that person's sexuality/race being a crude stereotype or entrenched in outdated nonsense. neither of those things is a choice either.
it's the idea that they are disgusted/turn off by. it's not a part of sexuality at all, it's that they associate negative traits with a certain sexuality. that's messed up. and it's also not really rejecting the person, it's rejecting the category.