this post was submitted on 08 Dec 2025
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When I was in grad school I lived in an international student dorm where I was basically the only American. One day we had a party, and after a few drinks the Europeans started into this game they’ve all seemingly done a hundred times before where they started saying the most vile shit I’ve ever heard to each other while laughing. Like “OK, sure everyone in my country is drunk all the time, but it’s better than you guys letting in all those thieving gypsys!”
So they did a full round of about 20 people throwing the worst racism/nationalism I’ve ever come across in real life at each other, including absolutely dunking on the only black guy as if he was a representative for all africans, then like a hive mind they all turned to me and someone went “At least none of us are as racist as these Americans!” followed by uproarious laughter. I ask myself internally all the time if my behavior is problematic, but it seemed like these people never learned that skill but instead were taught “USA=racist, everyone else is good” and never questioned it or themselves.
For years this led me to privately think “Man, Europeans are way worse.” But then, you know, we elected Trump twice and the Klan came back dressed in camo.
When my son was in college in NYC, he deliberately cultivated a circle of friends from all over the world, which gave him a lot of interesting influences and insights that most American kids wouldn't have.
After graduation, they were hanging out together, collaborating on projects (they are all various sorts of artists), and starting their careers, when he started to notice a troubling thread running through their conversations.
He started to realize that the reason that all these international kids were in America studying the arts, is because they all come from rich families who can afford to send them to NYC for an education, and then fund their lifestyles as they pursue whatever career path they want. They have no real motivation for success, because the parents are going to pay the rent anyway. They were jamming multiple people into an apartment not because of affordability, but because it was fun to be with your friends all day. They just reproduced dorm living in a $5000 NYC apartment in Manhattan.
But the real issue came when they'd be sitting around eating and talking, and he started noticing how class-conscious they were, and judgemental of people without a lot of money - like my son. He was listening to them disparaging normal people, and realizing that they are talking about people like him. Not HIM specifically, they thought of him as one of them, and liked him, but he realized that he comes from the world they were ridiculing. When he would defend a political policy meant to protect the middle-class, or to punish the wealthy, they would look at him like he was spontaneously speaking another language.
He was starting to realize that maybe he had to cut off several of these "friends," when Covid hit and they all went back to their respective countries. A few have been back to visit, and he's decided to continue friendships with some, like his friend in Australia, and let some friendships go, like his friend from Portugal. He is still sad about the collapse of his international friend circle, but he acknowledges that he learned a lot about class and the way the wealthy think.
He is a big Mamdani/ AOC supporter.
words vs deeds
Words normalize the sentiment in order to commit deeds