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I'm gonna vomit. Not because of the drugs but because I make myself sick, literally. That's how much I hate myself. I wanna puke just realizing what I am, what my body and existence are. I'm the worst. I'm the worst fucking person in this goddamn world. I'm completely worthless, not even good for sex. Not even good for anything. I'm the worst...Hey. Idk if you get to read this. But I relate to so much of what you wrote here.
Something about that makes me want to write you a condensed version of my story too. Probably some twisted logic about not owing anyone anything.
My highschool friend told me I was probably trans. I shrugged it off. I went through the last 16 years of my almost 28 years alive hating it. I immigrated to the States, leaving and forgetting friends back "home". I failed to make significant relationships here. Only time I touched a woman was this year and by accident cause I was donating blood for the first time. I stirred no trouble. Studdies, anime and videogames was all I had. Got a b.s. degree, job. 10 years since coming to the states I finally had my own room at 22. And now, 2 years into Trumptarianism I finally stated looking at who I was. I share a roof with a father who's death I'm not sure I'll mourn. Who I can't leave out of guilt more than love. I decided to say fuck it, I'll die eventually or get deported and die because citizenship means fuck all; but at least I was honest to one person in this life.
So I snuck in women's clothing into my room to confirm what my friend said back then. I felt joy for the first time in forever. I wrote 9k words about it on a website I had AI make me, so I'll probably never link it. This was all followed by a generational emotional crash. I went to a psychologist for a few sessions. I left the last one near crying and never went back. My tradcristian dad is out of a job so I have little time or privacy to find myself. Mostly out to visit grampa every other day in the place we were holed up in for 10 years in that single bed room. Mom died when I was 4. My career prospects feel like a dead end now with AI everywhere. My current nonprofit job is set to run out of funding while deluding itself on AI. And now I've gone ahead and burned myself with the knowledge that I'd rather be her than him. I haven't even told that friend they violated the egg prime directive, the bitch (affectionate).
As for me right now... Well, I find myself tied up on the train tracks, instead of choosing which train to take. I see the trains coming from both sides and I can't bring myself to struggle. I almost want them to speed up and get it over with.
And this is where I have to give you more credit than you give yourself. Its not much solace but:
You made a decision. Got on that train. You took the pills. You're strong and valid for it. Just have to be patient. 6 months will not get you anywhere. It sucks but biochemistry needs time to do its magic. And you have that to look forward to. No one will take that away from you. If you were strong enough to make that first decision, you are strong enough to see it through. It will be hard. But imagine the cute dresses you'll get to wear one day. Its a 9-5. A soul-sucking wait for there to be enough money in the bank to do something fun. But in this case enough E in your butt.
Just keep posting through it. Maybe we'll both make it somehow. And if you stop posting then I'll be sad and more importantly bored waiting for this all to end. And that's just rude. Leaving us but me specifically all sad and bored like that.
That's right I will guilt trip you into staying alive, bitch (affectionate).
They will burry you in a dress; old and gray. Trust the process.
I upvoted you not because I agree, as a matter of fact I disagree with pretty much everything you said, but I see you and feel your pain, and your words are the same words I've told myself a million times over
You've brought me to tears with your pain, and I just want you to know you are none of those things you've said
I'm not good with words but I am very huggable and what I'd want to do is just hold you and listen, if that's what you wanted, and then say, "I know everything sucks but we'll suck together" and awkwardly pause because that's not what I meant but you know what I mean
sweatheart, we're for you, I am here for you. tbh I envy your body cause to me you look beautiful, and I love your smile which is sooo sweet. please don't hesitate to dm, i do care about you