PEACHES!! 🍑

The ladies call me needle dick. Because I thrust like a sewing machine.

specifically Chinese women … people said that they had a vaginal canal that was like a corkscrew and it was really hard to get in there.

I think thats a uh.. duck.

I remember one conversation when I was about eight and some older kid telling us that the number of thrusts you made when you had sex was the number of children you would have. And for the longest time I believed that.

..........soooooooo, you thought the default number of thrusts that 99% of men could accomplish was......one thrust?

And twins was when the guy made two whole thrusts?

Ok, lets forget sex, forget the internet, forget all of that. I think this is just reason we need to teach all kids critical thinking skills.

My parents got mad at me, because I asked my mom if inflation affected the tooth fairy. When she asked what I was talking about, I told her my two sisters only got 50 cents when they were kids. They're 10 and 12 years older than me.

I was getting 1 dollar. And when I was trying to figure out why they got 50 cents, but I got a dollar, I remembered my dad always bitching about inflation. It made logical sense.

If you're willing to accept the concept of selling your teeth to an unknown fairy, but notice a discrepency in pay, but also notice a 10 year gap, with your dad saying that inflation will kill your money over 10 years.....then it's logical to assume the tooth fairy corporation was affected by inflation,and had to start paying more for teeth, or else the kids wouldn't sell them.

Then my sister told me it was actually the gender wage gap. And so I had to go ask my dad, at age 5, if I'm more valueable than my sisters, just because I have a penis. His response was "Yeah. Obviously."

Mom was not happy with that reaction. You'll not be surprised to know my mom eventually left my dad. I'm not saying it was over this incident, but this incident kind of helps paint a picture to help you understand why my mom didn't want to be with my dad anymore.

So then I got put in catholic school, and without knowing what sex was, began to ask the church if Mary had baby Jesus, through God, so God is the father, why wasn't Peter pissed that his wife was having a baby with another man? My friends parents split up, because she had a baby from another man. Logically I thought Peter should have been pissed, but he wasn't. So I asked why.

I got told to go to the principals office for being disrespectful.

Clearly that’s why you need someone into oral.

There is no greater blessing under heaven than receiving enthusiastic oral

Call me old fashioned but I like a woman who doesn't cut off the penises of her partners and turn them into sausages

Yeah this is what children believe when they have no experience with vaginas, it almost makes sense when you know that little about them lol

OHHH... Fucking hell, this was so close to what I've seen that I assumed this was completely sincere. Masterful satire.

The old "saving up for marriage"

I imagine it probably turns to curd or cheese, and then polymerizes and you can shoot bullets like the worst revision batman.

Not if her partner is black. I've heard there's no going back once it's had that.

Username checks out