What if there's a ... um ... protuberance on the bottom where the branch meets the trunk? What's the correct measuring procedure in that case?
this post was submitted on 02 Jun 2026
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I would use 0,5x(A+B) because chicks dig a big branch.
I just ask OP's mom.
The only way to get an accurate measurement is to cut the branch off first.
It is imperative that the cylinder and the larger object remain unharmed.
The cylindet MUST stay intact!
But you're supposed to measure it twice before that!
I just had some serious flashbacks to all the fucking Handy Manny I’ve watched. Thanks for that. 👍🏻
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The branch cannot be cut.
The branch is ~4.5" in girth and attempting to cut it off could cause discomfort
🎵Detachable tree branch🎵
Personally I start measuring from the middle of my taint 😌
Since the internet began it’s been known that you always measure asshole to tip.
Literally how every guy on Grindr measures...
That's a shoddy way of doing it. There are measurement standards.
Method A on account that that would be the maximum usable length
As a skilled carpenter who's used to measuring wood, this is the only answer.
Well..... It kinda depends. If I were to be ordering stock to recreate the branch or even if I were making a covering for the branch. I'd have to order at least 6 inches of material to cut down.
So I think it matters most how you are intending to use it.
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If you trim the bushes the branch looks bigger. Pro tip.
The generally accepted method used by scientists is to firmly push your ruler against the base of tree at the top of the branch. This is called BPEL, or bark-pressed erect length.
Hehe hehe erect
I can't use method B, the tree fruit are in the way.
They are using the wrong measuring unit, instead they should measure the force needed to pull it level.
You're saying rigidity/turgidity trump sheer length and girth?
Most arborists prefer branches that can handle the load, and avoid sagging branches or ones that snap off.
Diameter obviously. But also, the bottom line is going into trunk wood so obviously wrong.
None of them are. You need a graduated cylinder.
482 cm3 here.
You measure from the back of the balls.
From the edge of the anus of course... the further edge.
Or… from the base of the skull. The only accurate measurement.
This can be easily calculated by the formula [(length x diameter) + (Weight / Girth)] / Angle of Tip^2
What if there is a knot at the base of the branch?
Burl wood can be quite valuable so you should try to keep that part in one piece
Then you might be measuring a werewolf. Seek professional help.
(I am a professional and can help you measure the knot.)
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The correct way is to see how deep into a Pringle can it can go. For an accurate measure, you'll need to prevent angled entry. You can help it slide in straight by using a couple guiding sponges on either side of a latex glove attached to the rim pushed up inside it. Put a bit of Vaseline in the glove to prevent tearing the glove with the rough bark. For maximum safety, put the jar of Vaseline in a warm water bath for a few minutes beforehand to make the viscosity better for smooth entry and exit.
That sounds like an awful lot of effort just to jack off a tree branch
gasp! clutches pearls
How dare you imply such vulgarity about my branch measuring device.
The correct answer is "between 114 and 152 millimeters" because both measures are relevant and necessary from an engineering standpoint: For the purposes of sizing something such that it can utilize the branch for support, it must be made clear that the branch is solid and whole up to 114 millimeters from the trunk. For the purpose of accidental collision clearance, it is necessary to know the furthest extent of the branch's reach no matter how damaged or disrupted it is. Furthermore if the branch may break and fall off, giving it at least 152mm of clearance means that it is unlikely to accidentally catch upon something in its descent even if it "hinges" away from the trunk at the base.
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Measure from the roots
This changes everything
Bend it straight, then measure
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