this post was submitted on 01 Sep 2026
629 points (98.5% liked)

Lemmy Shitpost

41709 readers
3612 users here now

Welcome to Lemmy Shitpost. Here you can shitpost to your hearts content.

Anything and everything goes. Memes, Jokes, Vents and Banter. Though we still have to comply with lemmy.world instance rules. So behave!


Rules:

1. Be Respectful


Refrain from using harmful language pertaining to a protected characteristic: e.g. race, gender, sexuality, disability or religion.

Refrain from being argumentative when responding or commenting to posts/replies. Personal attacks are not welcome here.

...


2. No Illegal Content


Content that violates the law. Any post/comment found to be in breach of common law will be removed and given to the authorities if required.

That means:

-No promoting violence/threats against any individuals

-No CSA content or Revenge Porn

-No sharing private/personal information (Doxxing)

...


3. No Spam


Posting the same post, no matter the intent is against the rules.

-If you have posted content, please refrain from re-posting said content within this community.

-Do not spam posts with intent to harass, annoy, bully, advertise, scam or harm this community.

-No posting Scams/Advertisements/Phishing Links/IP Grabbers

-No Bots, Bots will be banned from the community.

...


4. No Porn/ExplicitContent


-Do not post explicit content. Lemmy.World is not the instance for NSFW content.

-Do not post Gore or Shock Content.

...


5. No Enciting Harassment,Brigading, Doxxing or Witch Hunts


-Do not Brigade other Communities

-No calls to action against other communities/users within Lemmy or outside of Lemmy.

-No Witch Hunts against users/communities.

-No content that harasses members within or outside of the community.

...


6. NSFW should be behind NSFW tags.


-Content that is NSFW should be behind NSFW tags.

-Content that might be distressing should be kept behind NSFW tags.

...

If you see content that is a breach of the rules, please flag and report the comment and a moderator will take action where they can.


Also check out:

Partnered Communities:

1.Memes

2.Lemmy Review

3.Mildly Infuriating

4.Lemmy Be Wholesome

5.No Stupid Questions

6.You Should Know

7.Comedy Heaven

8.Credible Defense

9.Ten Forward

10.LinuxMemes (Linux themed memes)


Reach out to

All communities included on the sidebar are to be made in compliance with the instance rules. Striker

founded 3 years ago
MODERATORS
 
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] Frettchen@lemmy.world 6 points 4 hours ago
[–] yoriaiko@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 4 hours ago

"welcome! please have a sit"

[–] ratildarat@lemmy.ca 6 points 5 hours ago* (last edited 5 hours ago) (2 children)

I say β€œoccupado!” And I’m not even Spanish

[–] Crozekiel@lemmy.zip 1 points 38 minutes ago

"Estoy Poopin!"

[–] phorq@lemmy.ml 1 points 5 hours ago

Works better to tell them you're embarrassed, or "embarazado" en espaΓ±ol πŸ˜‰

[–] belunos@lemmus.org 1 points 4 hours ago

No room at the Inn, Mary

[–] zerofk@lemmy.zip 1 points 4 hours ago

Will you help me hide a body?

[–] Sprinks@lemmy.world 2 points 5 hours ago

I usually shout "one minute", "just a moment" or "in here". For some reason people like to try the door again when i say "one minute", though.

[–] Jax@sh.itjust.works 1 points 4 hours ago
[–] sunbytes@lemmy.world 4 points 7 hours ago

"IT'S NOT FOR SALE"

[–] Lushed_Lungfish@lemmy.ca 3 points 7 hours ago

"It's the REINFORCEMENTS! HUZZAH!"

[–] TRock@feddit.dk 10 points 15 hours ago

I always say "come in" - no one has ever tried to come in. πŸ˜‚

[–] canaryWart@programming.dev 6 points 15 hours ago (1 children)

"Who's there?"

"No solicitors"

"I'm full"

[–] tetris11@feddit.uk 2 points 15 hours ago

No solicitors”

Lawyer turns red and openly shits themselves

[–] sunstoned@lemmus.org 10 points 20 hours ago

"Come back with a warrant!"

[–] Taleya@aussie.zone 15 points 1 day ago (1 children)
[–] Alcoholicorn@mander.xyz 1 points 20 hours ago

Australian with a nyc accent??

[–] nullify3112@lemmy.world 12 points 1 day ago

Sorry babe I’m flying solo today

[–] chunk6235@piefed.social 3 points 18 hours ago

"There's no door on this side, go around!"

"Cover charge is $10"

[–] P1k1e@lemmy.world 13 points 1 day ago

Fuq orf am shiten

[–] Epp@lemmus.org 5 points 22 hours ago (1 children)

"Nein! Ich habe farfrompoopen!"

[–] tetris11@feddit.uk 2 points 15 hours ago

farfrompoopen

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=farfrompoopen

A situation in which nature calls for you to visit the bathroom, yet you cannot perform the act of defecation.

[–] Tylerdurdon@lemmy.world 8 points 1 day ago (1 children)

"Come on in, I kept the seat warm for you"

[–] tetris11@feddit.uk 3 points 15 hours ago

"Our cheeks have shared the same seat. We are butt brothers."

[–] rautapekoni@sopuli.xyz 16 points 1 day ago

"I am the gatekeeper! Are you the keymaster?"

[–] InFerNo@lemmy.ml 18 points 1 day ago (1 children)

I would like to share this timeless classic

<cassius_clay13> so I was with my friend bryan the other night in a bar
<cassius_clay13> well he got really drunk and said he was gonna puke
<cassius_clay13> so i helped him walk to the toilet
<cassius_clay13> all the stalls were occupied
<emoti_conartist> lol
<cassius_clay13> bryan is a rugby player... so a big guy
<cassius_clay13> so he fucking KICKS one of the stall doors open
<cassius_clay13> and there's this guy in there taking a shit
<emoti_conartist> hahahahahaha
<cassius_clay13> and bryan throws up ALL OVER HIM
<cassius_clay13> then (this is genius) bryan thinks 'oh shit... if i were taking a shit and someone came in and was sick all over me, i'd want to fuck him up... so i'd better hit him first'
<cassius_clay13> so he fucking SMACKS this guy in the face
<cassius_clay13> and runs away
<cassius_clay13> imagine being that guy... WORST NIGHT OUT EVER
[–] motruck@lemmy.zip 7 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Wow. Bryan sounds like a shit head. Good for him to keep stereotypes alive.

[–] tetris11@feddit.uk 2 points 15 hours ago

Just lads being lads, what a ledge πŸ€—

(The Lads on Tour movement needs to end fast)

[–] vrighter@discuss.tchncs.de 29 points 1 day ago (2 children)
[–] canaryWart@programming.dev 2 points 15 hours ago (1 children)

All fun and games until your bluff gets called

[–] Lushed_Lungfish@lemmy.ca 2 points 7 hours ago

It's no bluff

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] CalypsoGirl@lemmy.today 2 points 19 hours ago

OCCUPIED!

But what's weird is that 99% of the time I have no idea what to say in any given situation, but this public restroom scenario just came naturally to me one day and still comes naturally to me every time. That's weird isn't it? Like I'm only comfortable & functional in the most uncomfortable situations πŸ€¦πŸΌβ€β™€οΈ

[–] bcgm3@lemmy.world 5 points 1 day ago

"Just a sec, I'm doing the paperwork!"

[–] Jankatarch@lemmy.world 16 points 1 day ago (2 children)
[–] HodorPlease@lemmy.world 8 points 1 day ago

Occupied. It's the default answer. Rest is people making a bigger issue out of something so simple.

[–] VinegarChunks@lemmus.org 11 points 1 day ago (1 children)
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Surp@lemmy.world 28 points 1 day ago
[–] ViceroTempus@lemmy.world 7 points 1 day ago (3 children)

Ask them if they want to play battle shits?

[–] sunbytes@lemmy.world 2 points 7 hours ago

If we're thinking of the same movie, those "British" accents were so bad that they've stuck with me for 20 years.

I saw the movie ONCE

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] fartographer@lemmy.world 3 points 1 day ago (1 children)

THANK GOD, I NEED A WITNESS!

[–] Taleya@aussie.zone 3 points 1 day ago

"STOP! STOP! YOU'RE MAKING IT GO BACK IN!!"

[–] jjlinux@lemmy.zip 5 points 1 day ago

"Fuck off" making sure to shout it as loud as the knock.

[–] Ismay@programming.dev 5 points 1 day ago

Want some ?

[–] SchmidtGenetics@lemmy.world 218 points 2 days ago (5 children)

β€œCome back with a warrant” is my go to, usually gets a chuckle.

load more comments (5 replies)
load more comments
view more: next β€Ί