Within an hour of dropping my son off at junior kindergarten, I’m called to pick him up. The excitement of the first day of school quickly gives way to sadness and embarrassment. He was sitting on a chair in the office sucking his thumb while the secretary chastised him for misbehaving. I feel the need to chastise him, too; to signal we don’t condone whatever it is he did. But on the steps of the school after we leave the office, I kneel in front of him. I tell him he’s a wonderful boy. I promise him we’ll figure school out together.

It’s a promise I haven’t been able to keep.

My twin boys, now in Grade 5, have autism and complex needs. At one point, both of them were not attending school full-time because the public system does not support them.

These days, with one of my son’s schools, we’ve developed an “understanding.” I pick him up early. Sometimes earlier if I get the call. And I always get the call.

My body exists in a permanent state of readiness, waiting to be told my child is “having a hard day.” The euphemisms vary, but the message is always the same: get here. Every time I collect my boy, I see him as I did on that first day of JK: confused, overwhelmed, trying to comfort himself.

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[–] Zexks@lemmy.world 12 points 3 days ago (2 children)

You never stated what it is they are doing that is being considered "misbehaving". What are they doing that is requiring early pickup so often?

[–] definitemaybe@lemmy.ca 19 points 3 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

No offense intended, but your comment is intensely ironic, and how common the mindset is that an autistic child is "misbehaving" is exactly the problem.

The author's children are routinely becoming dysregulated and are then no longer in control of their actions. That's how "red zone" dysregulating is expressed. The child is a child and is not responsible for their dysregulation and resulting behavior.

There are many possible solutions, but they are all upstream from the behaviour. "Behaviour is the symptom, not the problem" (Dr. Becky Kennedy).

These children need support with dysregulating triggers: well-trained and present adults need to help identifying triggering stimulus. Sensory? Demands? Bodily needs? Emotional needs? Transitions? Then accommodations need to be made to keep triggers within the child's ability to regulate.

These children need support with co-regulation. A well regulated child can handle dysregulating triggers. When the child will be exposed to a dysregulating trigger that's known in advance, like a transition or fire drill, then co-regulate ahead of time. And coregulation needs to be practiced, over and over again. It will take thousands of times co-regulating before they are able to self-regulate.

These children need support with demands. As with all children, demands must be reasonable for their current abilities. This is as true for academics as for "life skills". And, as with all children, when they are becoming dysregulated, demands need to be decreased, but often they are increased instead (asking them questions, telling them to do something, etc.)

In the words of Dr. Ross Greene, "if you're intervening after the behaviour, you're late." Focusing on "misbehaviour" misses the point completely.

All children have a right to education, and many many autistic children in Canada are being denied access to education by a system that is systematically failing them.

[–] Madzielle@lemmy.dbzer0.com 10 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago)

Thank you for saying this, as a mom who ..knows this well. Thank you for your voice.

[–] k0e3@lemmy.ca 10 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Does it really matter? Their kids have special needs that aren't being met and I feel like they deserve the opportunity to succeed since the parent pays for education through taxes like any other Canadian. OP also doesn't seem like they're blaming the teachers either: just the system that they pay into is failing them.

[–] Auli@lemmy.ca -4 points 3 days ago (3 children)

If your child needs 1 on 1 attention public school is not for you. It sucks but their taxes don't cover the teachers salary.

[–] BillyTheKid2@lemmy.ca 10 points 3 days ago (1 children)

They used to. I'm an old one but back in my day there was special education classes with instructors trained for this thing.

Then one day they got rid of those special classes and integrated everybody into one.

[–] definitemaybe@lemmy.ca 4 points 3 days ago

Radical inclusion was well intentioned, but it was terrible for so many students who need reduced demands and extra supports.

But radical inclusion has staying power; it lets politicians virtue signal that they're "being inclusive" while cutting costs and services. (And failing to meet their obligations to provide public education to every child.)

[–] k0e3@lemmy.ca 3 points 2 days ago

It isn't? My public school in Ottawa I went to had a class with specially trained teachers that took care of maybe 5-10 special needs kids. This was back in the the 90s.

I live in Japan now and even they have special needs classes here, which surprised me because this country isn't exactly known for its inclusivity.

[–] Madzielle@lemmy.dbzer0.com 4 points 3 days ago

Im in the states, my son is in special education, a class of less than 10. What they do here, while not perfect and with flaws, is if a public school cannot support a child with an IEP they must use their own budget to send the child elsewhere, a place that can, out of district, its called. Again with class sizes less than ten, with usually about three to five adults, head teachers and rotating support workers. But the parents dont pay for this, the school district does.