Within an hour of dropping my son off at junior kindergarten, I’m called to pick him up. The excitement of the first day of school quickly gives way to sadness and embarrassment. He was sitting on a chair in the office sucking his thumb while the secretary chastised him for misbehaving. I feel the need to chastise him, too; to signal we don’t condone whatever it is he did. But on the steps of the school after we leave the office, I kneel in front of him. I tell him he’s a wonderful boy. I promise him we’ll figure school out together.

It’s a promise I haven’t been able to keep.

My twin boys, now in Grade 5, have autism and complex needs. At one point, both of them were not attending school full-time because the public system does not support them.

These days, with one of my son’s schools, we’ve developed an “understanding.” I pick him up early. Sometimes earlier if I get the call. And I always get the call.

My body exists in a permanent state of readiness, waiting to be told my child is “having a hard day.” The euphemisms vary, but the message is always the same: get here. Every time I collect my boy, I see him as I did on that first day of JK: confused, overwhelmed, trying to comfort himself.

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[–] definitemaybe@lemmy.ca 19 points 3 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

No offense intended, but your comment is intensely ironic, and how common the mindset is that an autistic child is "misbehaving" is exactly the problem.

The author's children are routinely becoming dysregulated and are then no longer in control of their actions. That's how "red zone" dysregulating is expressed. The child is a child and is not responsible for their dysregulation and resulting behavior.

There are many possible solutions, but they are all upstream from the behaviour. "Behaviour is the symptom, not the problem" (Dr. Becky Kennedy).

These children need support with dysregulating triggers: well-trained and present adults need to help identifying triggering stimulus. Sensory? Demands? Bodily needs? Emotional needs? Transitions? Then accommodations need to be made to keep triggers within the child's ability to regulate.

These children need support with co-regulation. A well regulated child can handle dysregulating triggers. When the child will be exposed to a dysregulating trigger that's known in advance, like a transition or fire drill, then co-regulate ahead of time. And coregulation needs to be practiced, over and over again. It will take thousands of times co-regulating before they are able to self-regulate.

These children need support with demands. As with all children, demands must be reasonable for their current abilities. This is as true for academics as for "life skills". And, as with all children, when they are becoming dysregulated, demands need to be decreased, but often they are increased instead (asking them questions, telling them to do something, etc.)

In the words of Dr. Ross Greene, "if you're intervening after the behaviour, you're late." Focusing on "misbehaviour" misses the point completely.

All children have a right to education, and many many autistic children in Canada are being denied access to education by a system that is systematically failing them.

[–] Madzielle@lemmy.dbzer0.com 10 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago)

Thank you for saying this, as a mom who ..knows this well. Thank you for your voice.