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Incoherent rambling
Why don't I just leave. I don't bring anything positive to the world anyway. I'm just a man and that's all I'll ever be. Neither HRT nor surgery will save me. People say to love myself, but how can I do that, when I'm the one responsible for this destruction and mutilation of my body that we call "normal puberty"? Why did I ever put off starting HRT...Now's too late. Always has been. Now it's impossible for me to ever look at myself and see a girl. Passing is a fucking joke, I can't seriously look in the mirror without simultaneously bursting into laughter and tears. I'm just a monster and yet I still somehow think I deserve to be called and adressed as a woman. I ruined this body. This is all my fault.
I ruin everything I touch. Every relationship, every friendship I ever had, every community I ever belonged to. My only two irl friends don't even talk to me anymore. I haven't even been able to get off my ass and go get therapy. All I do is take estrogen and hope somehow I'll get to be a "real girl" one day without putting in any effort of my own. I'm the worst kind of pathetic. I'm an unlovable, obnoxious, ugly dumb piece of shit that has no value as a person. Sometimes I even wonder if I'm a person at all.
Maybe in another timeline I'm happy. I don't need SRS or extensive FFS or even HRT. Or maybe I do need HRT, but I actually started at a reasonable age, before the damage became irreparable. Whatever that timeline is, it isn't this one. I'm so fucked. I hate myself so much. There's no one in this world I hate more than myself. I don't even hate other people, just this thing that I am. I hate living in this body. I hate living this life. I hate being whatever fucking monster this is. I'm so tired of it. I wish I'd never been born.
Heyy, I don't have much to say but I relate so much to this. I am the same age and same length of time on e, and it can realy suck. I figured out I was trans at 14 but spent the next 6 years repressing so am also mourning the lives I've lost to time. I saw your selfie post on your profile and you are very pretty, progress feels sooo slow but you are well on your way. It takes time and effort but we will get there. I've got so much important stuff happening in my life at the moment but it feels like I'm not there, and I don't think I will do until I know I pass better. Until then it just feels like I'm surviving not living, but I'll take things one day at a time. Just know that you are not alone, there are so many of us in the same boat and we are going to make it. Take care, make sure you try your best to get enough sleep as I know I always feel so much more depressed when tired. It feels like half of what you have written are just worms plucked straight out of my brain. I wish you the best <3
🫂
I'm sorry you're feeling this way, Miisha. Please know that you bring a lot of people joy, myself included. You are being unfairly harsh on yourself. You wouldn't say those things about another person, so please try to give yourself the same grace and compassion.
We love you and I hope you know you have support from people here if you need it.
Hi Miisha, it's clear that you're hurting now and have been hurting for a long time, and I can't pretend to know how you feel, but I'd like you to know that you and all the other girls here are inspiring to baby trans me.
It sucks to be given a body you don't want. And it's easy to get stuck in that spiral of wishing things had gone differently. But dwelling on things that can't be changed does nothing but waste energy.
And saying "fuck you" to the universe and living as the person you want to be despite it all? That's just about the coolest thing someone can do. And you're doing it! That's fucking awesome and it makes me feel like I can do it.
We all love you 🩵🩷🤍
So... it seems pretty clear that you've internalized some unhealthy things. I don't know where this feeling comes from, and maybe you don't know either, but to some extent it doesn't matter, because no amount of reason can argue you out of a feeling. The inspiration and the justification are mostly a distraction.
However, you need to accept that the way you're feeling now is as meaningful and self-defining and real and legitimate as the feeling of being a little bit bored while you're sitting on the toilet. It is one feeling among many that are part of your life experience. It has power when you empower it, by focusing on it above all the other feelings that you have.
I know, it seems all-consuming when you're in the midst of it, but it doesn't have to be.
I'd like to point you in a direction that helped me:
Being Peace, by Thich Nhat Hanh.
If possible, get a physical copy that you can sit with, and put your phone away for awhile. Read a chapter, and then spend some time contemplating it, and relating it to your own experience. Don't rush, you aren't racing to the end to find the ultimate answer. Peace isn't something that comes to us, it's something that we make for ourselves. Peace is something that we bring into the world, out of the desire for it to be.
No one is more deserving of some peace than you are.
I love you, it won't help you accepting yourself, but I love you anyway. You are my sister, I want you to know.
Otter hugs for you luv 💜
I'm sorry Miisha. You definitely are a positive influence on me though, if anything, you have value, and I would hate for you to leave (it makes me feel sad every time you disappear, so please don't).
Fuck normal anyway, you don't deserve to have your views shaped by the most misinformed and malicious groups on the planet. It makes me so sad that I can't help you, if there's ever a possibility I could meet you in person I'd take it. I really want you to live to see a day where you can hate someone more than yourself, everybody deserves that.
And I'll say it again, I see a girl in all your pictures, if anybody can't see that they're silly, or blind. The other timelines don't matter, because you're here, you only have one, and I would hate to see my Miisha disappear without ever feeling content in herself.
Ill say it again, your always welcome here
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I just wish I wasn't here anymore. I really honestly wish I wasn't born in the first place. If I knew I'd be trans I'd somehow go back in time and convince my mother to get an abortion. It hurts. 8 months HRT and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing has changed. Face still as caveman like as ever, body still inverted triangle ultra masculine. What a joke I am honestly. What a fucking joke. And to think I was so naive to think I started early, that I'd pass one day. What a load of bs. If anything I look more masculine now than I ever did. I'm literally a guy with boobs, that's all I am and all I'll ever be. Fuck this body. Fuck this world and fuck this life. I want out so badly but I'm literally not strong enough to end it. I literally can't. The only thing that will happen is I'll get the police called on me again if I start being too honest with people with how much I'm struggling. I can't anymore, sorry.I don't want to call the police, Miisha... I wish I could have called someone you know and trust who would text/call/visit you instead.
And the struggles are real, I'm not denying that, you just deserve more people close to you to offer support. I got so much support in the sad times in my life from classmates, for example. Some were assholes but I learned to filter them out.
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I hope something terrible happens to me. I hope I meet someone in a dark alley. Don't care what they do but I hope I suffer. Maybe then I'll find the strength. Maybe. I hope I die one day.more
I couldn't even not ruin the one place I felt safe, the one community that accepted me. I fucked that up too. I can't even follow the simplest rule, like not posting literal porn, twice. I'm that stupid, if you can believe it. I sure can, I did it. I fucking suck.You haven't fucked that up. Yes we removed it, but it's far from something that's irredeemably destroyed your ability to be here.
One thing I would really recommend is to recognize how much your thoughts and emotions are being affected by forces outside of your control. With the manic fun we've been having with you for the last couple weeks comes the deep low you're in right now. Knowing what's happening will not make the sadness go away, but it can help you avoid blaming yourself as much. While you'll still be in pain, at least you can disregard a bit of the self hatred.
Also, don't trust yourself about your appearance. I and many others think you look like a cute girl, even if you don't believe us. You're far from ruined and got to start far earlier than a lot of us have.
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And what am I now? That which I criticized. A drugged up mess that doesn't even qualify as a human. After criticizing alcohol my whole life, I pick up something even worse. The hypocrisy hurts. I'm such an arrogant asshole. I pick up something that I think is keeping me alive. I still think it is. It's a mistake, but hey, I'm alive? That's great isn't it? I don't think so.more
I'm gonna vomit. Not because of the drugs but because I make myself sick, literally. That's how much I hate myself. I wanna puke just realizing what I am, what my body and existence are. I'm the worst. I'm the worst fucking person in this goddamn world. I'm completely worthless, not even good for sex. Not even good for anything. I'm the worst...Hey. Idk if you get to read this. But I relate to so much of what you wrote here.
Something about that makes me want to write you a condensed version of my story too. Probably some twisted logic about not owing anyone anything.
My highschool friend told me I was probably trans. I shrugged it off. I went through the last 16 years of my almost 28 years alive hating it. I immigrated to the States, leaving and forgetting friends back "home". I failed to make significant relationships here. Only time I touched a woman was this year and by accident cause I was donating blood for the first time. I stirred no trouble. Studdies, anime and videogames was all I had. Got a b.s. degree, job. 10 years since coming to the states I finally had my own room at 22. And now, 2 years into Trumptarianism I finally stated looking at who I was. I share a roof with a father who's death I'm not sure I'll mourn. Who I can't leave out of guilt more than love. I decided to say fuck it, I'll die eventually or get deported and die because citizenship means fuck all; but at least I was honest to one person in this life.
So I snuck in women's clothing into my room to confirm what my friend said back then. I felt joy for the first time in forever. I wrote 9k words about it on a website I had AI make me, so I'll probably never link it. This was all followed by a generational emotional crash. I went to a psychologist for a few sessions. I left the last one near crying and never went back. My tradcristian dad is out of a job so I have little time or privacy to find myself. Mostly out to visit grampa every other day in the place we were holed up in for 10 years in that single bed room. Mom died when I was 4. My career prospects feel like a dead end now with AI everywhere. My current nonprofit job is set to run out of funding while deluding itself on AI. And now I've gone ahead and burned myself with the knowledge that I'd rather be her than him. I haven't even told that friend they violated the egg prime directive, the bitch (affectionate).
As for me right now... Well, I find myself tied up on the train tracks, instead of choosing which train to take. I see the trains coming from both sides and I can't bring myself to struggle. I almost want them to speed up and get it over with.
And this is where I have to give you more credit than you give yourself. Its not much solace but:
You made a decision. Got on that train. You took the pills. You're strong and valid for it. Just have to be patient. 6 months will not get you anywhere. It sucks but biochemistry needs time to do its magic. And you have that to look forward to. No one will take that away from you. If you were strong enough to make that first decision, you are strong enough to see it through. It will be hard. But imagine the cute dresses you'll get to wear one day. Its a 9-5. A soul-sucking wait for there to be enough money in the bank to do something fun. But in this case enough E in your butt.
Just keep posting through it. Maybe we'll both make it somehow. And if you stop posting then I'll be sad and more importantly bored waiting for this all to end. And that's just rude. Leaving us but me specifically all sad and bored like that.
That's right I will guilt trip you into staying alive, bitch (affectionate).
They will burry you in a dress; old and gray. Trust the process.
I upvoted you not because I agree, as a matter of fact I disagree with pretty much everything you said, but I see you and feel your pain, and your words are the same words I've told myself a million times over
You've brought me to tears with your pain, and I just want you to know you are none of those things you've said
I'm not good with words but I am very huggable and what I'd want to do is just hold you and listen, if that's what you wanted, and then say, "I know everything sucks but we'll suck together" and awkwardly pause because that's not what I meant but you know what I mean
sweatheart, we're for you, I am here for you. tbh I envy your body cause to me you look beautiful, and I love your smile which is sooo sweet. please don't hesitate to dm, i do care about you