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Not in 40 years so far. I can't relate to a single post in this thread.
My personal hypothesis is that american food is so full of essentially toxic stuff, that having shits like described in this thread happen has become normalised and a shared cultural experience.
But since that is only anecdotal, i might be very wrong about that.
Currently getting ready for the post-game shower right now
That's called the shake shits and it's the next level of constipation diarrhea.
When your diet consist of around 50% things that cause constipation and 50% things that cause diarrhea, you may need to perform The Ritual.
Those nights where any time you lay down to try to sleep the small excess heat from your abdomen pressed against the bed causes magma-poo to expand and press against the solid shitcrete barrier blocking everything in, sending stabbing pains throughout your gut.
You go from the toilet to the bed time and time again. Nothing happens on the toilet and the pain recedes, but as soon as you try to lay down again it comes roaring back. You can't sleep, but you can't poo.
At last you accept that you will not be getting to sleep until you defeat this demon. You go to the bathroom and strip off everything before sitting on the toilet. You must bare yourself and hold nothing back in this fight.
Sometimes you notice how your cast off clothing is laying on the floor and you remember that at times like this in the past it covered certain tiles or lines on the floor but that it isn't quite in that position right now. You adjust your clothing to into the 'correct' position. It has become part of The Ritual, and The Ritual must be observed.
You cross your arms and press them against your stomach trying to squeeze the poo out from the top. If you have enough of a gut you place your arms under the bulge, with the vast weight of your shameful love of pizza and Ben & Jerry's lifted up and out for the shower head to stare pointedly at with silent yet clear judgement.
You ask your God or the universe itself what you've done to deserve this and beg for mercy. You promise to eat better. You never want this to happen again. Ages pass. Finally a stream breaks free. The first layer of magma-poo has worked it's way through the barrier to become a weak stream of lavashit. You push and grunt and press your arms tight into your lower abdomen, the gelatinous bulk of your gut quivering in shame as the mocking shower head stares down.
The flow of lavashit helps to erode the shitcrete blockage, and eventually the dam bursts into chunks that rip your body open as they're forced out. The young and naive may celebrate here and try to return to bed, but the demon has a second phase so they will soon be back on the throne. The older and more knowing don't even consider getting up. They know the night is not yet won.
Time passes before anything else seems to happen. The next layer is more shitcrete. Fortunately, this time it's rigid inflexible nature makes it weak. Those first two layers spewing forth from the sphincter created a gap of space in the colon, and now the remaining magmapoo layers pushing against the shitcrete barriers are pressing towards that newly opened space instead of the exterior wall. Slowly, the shitcrete is defeated by it's own rigid nature. It bulges in the center until a break forms, allowing more lavashit to erode it and assist in it's agonizing passage. You know once more how it feels to give birth, but to a dark abomination of which you cannot speak to others. You may need stitches.
Eventually, it is done. The demon has been cast out. All shits have been shat. You uncross your arms and remove them from under your tubby bulk. You look to the shower head and meet it's scornful gaze with the self-assuredness of the victor. It nods slightly to accede, but reminds you that you need to keep those promises you made to all of the Gods and change your diet. It warns that if you fail again, you will be back again.
The Ritual concluded, you wipe up and put your bed clothes back on.
It's the middle of the night now. You will get some sleep, but not near enough. Tomorrow will be a long day. At some point before the end of that day you will decide you don't feel like cooking. After all, you are exhausted.
You decide to order a pizza. Maybe a taco pizza? Stuffed crust. Extra cheese. Taco Bell lettuce. That sounds delicious.
now this is good shit
Thank you. I hadn't realized you could set a display name here to multiple words. That doesn't seem to have a strong filter in place at all.
You don't SHOWER after that??
And give the shower head even more to judge and laugh about? That would kill the feeling of victory.
It's called IBS, thanks.
Or maybe i just had a big bowl of diarrhea lettuce from Taylor Farms.
yes.
If you're pressed for space, you can keep an emesis bag by the toilet. Mine are purple. I also keep one in the door pocket of my car.
Taylor Farms has entered the chat
Diarrhea has left the ass.
Commence fetal position
No, but I always take off my shirt a la Costanza.
I'm lactose intolerant and love milkshakes... So yes
Buy lactaid tablets. They're pretty cheap, and they work surprisingly well. In my opinion, life without cheese is not a life worth living, so in that regard, lactaid saved my life.
They didn't say that they wanted to solve this issue. Maybe they like it.
Isn't most cheese of any real age essentially lactose free anyway though? I know lactose intolerant people who can eat cheese, but not other dairy products
Soft cheeses like mozzarella and cream cheese have enough lactose to give me a bad time without lactaid. Milk and sour cream too. I love pizza and Alfredo sauce, so lactase lets me still have those whenever I want. A lot of cheeses are considered low lactose, but dose matters. Sharing a charcuterie is not something I'm brave enough to try without popping a lactase lol.
I used to think that, but then I went a month and I think I just killed off that part of my gut biome, because the intense cravings just... stopped
Sometimes my stomach hurts so bad I get on the toilet fully clothed.
Looks like you almost made it.
Pro tip...always keep a solid (not mesh) trash can in your bathroom. Hopefully you'll never need to...but if you ever need to puke and shit simultaneously, you'll be thankful.
My current bathroom is pretty small, i can lean over the tub if need to vom while shitting. Thankfully that hasnt happened since some awful virus i had in the early 2000s. But ill never forget.
SARS?
On the same note: Hardware store 5 gallon buckets are one of the most useful things you can own. Gives you a spot to puke if you're on the toilet, or a spot to sit if you only have to puke.
First, my local store has 2 gallon buckets that were 1/5 the price of their fancy designer trash cans, fit a standard shopping bag nicely, and also would be perfect for the emergency puke pail.
Second, I've always kneeled down with arms on the rim to prevent anything coming out my nose. Is that an issue with the bucket seat raising your body higher?
The 5 gal gives you the height to lean over and rest your arms on the back of the tank, allowing you to relax as much as possibly in the situation.
...I may have woken up in this position more than once.
This is why I always shit in the bath, makes the cleanup easier too
Lmao my gf made that mistake once. She had both. She just chose wrong.
I also get super sweaty and start sliding around on the sest becsuse of it.
I once had to lay down on the bathroom floor in a fetal position between rounds. Sweat was literally dripping. What a way to feel alive whilst expecting death!
Maybe a vasovagal reaction? Drink water and cross your legs while on the toilet, try not to push too hard.
I've definitely had it bad enough that I had to lay in a cool bath between rounds. It sucks.
Do people not get completely naked anyway?
I get naked whenever I open this app
You weren't already?
I never close this app
at home i can even go with it, but do you strip down completely in a public restroom?
And risk getting my clothes all dirty in the stall? Never.
You need to disrobe before you go in there.
You don't?
yeah usually accompanied by profuse sweating
That's gas, baby
Yes. In fact, it’s incredibly upsetting that you’ve brought these memories up.