this post was submitted on 20 Mar 2026
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They wanted an explanation about why all species are humanoid, mostly because makeup on an actor is cheaper than making unique species. the explanation sucked, no explanation could have worked.
That is like having a whole 3 part episode on why there are no toilets on any federation ships, or why there is sound in space, or why they don't use seatbelts...
No way, half the time JLP says he'll be in his ready room he means he's heading to the porcelain captain's chair to fire off some earl grey torpedoes.
In the future you can choose to deuce the traditional way or have it beamed directly out of your colon, and Picard loves his photon bombing rituals.
I've held that theory for years. that due to teleport tech, people no money need toilets, as urine and fecal matter gets teleported out.
And part of Starfleet training involves potty training, where they have to train on how urinate/defecate during away missions.
Actually, I have a very vague memory of them teleporting a baby out of the mother during birth when there were complications, at the start of a TNG episode I think. Or did I make that up?
I want to be a people-no-money-need
Why would Picard bother when his ready room has his own private toilet?
The only change he needs is to have the aquarium INSIDE the bathroom for quiet reflection.
This. If there's actually a toilet, then how does it work? I imagine the toilet probably works like the replicators do. You notice how when anyone on board the Enterprise eats, there's dishes, but no sinks/dishwashers? When they're finished eating, they literally set the dirty dishes down in the replicator and they're instantly returned back to energy. I imagine the toilets work under the same principle.
He should have a little door that slides open and lets him see the fishes when he's pooping, and then closed again to hide the head when he's not using it.
Hilarity ensues when Worf walks into the ready room while that's going on, sees the Captain's distorted face gazing through the spherical fishbowl, and reflexively whips out his phaser and starts blasting what he assumes to be the Monster of the Week.
What are the two spare turbolifts for?
One is for emergencies, one is for exclusive use for the Executive Officer in Charge of Radishes.
Do radishes have some important part in the synthesis of dilithium crystals?
Even MORE important.
Do teleported urine and feces leave vacuum behind? Because that would mean massive cavitation bubbles in both the bladder and the rectum, immediately collapsing with a loud bang and a momentary increase in temperature over 100°C. Plus the organ walls experiencing sudden huge acceleration, either shaking the fuck out of other pelvic organs, or straight up ripping. (Must be fun being between the bladder and the rectum at that moment, and the anus is gonna pucker like it never puckered before.)
The alternative is replacing the feces and urine with something of equal volume and pressure, which most probably means either compressed air or water. This would leave you either with water in your bladder and rectum, or large amount of air in your bladder and rectum, which both are of dubious utility and ill advisement.
The transported feces is replaced with whatever the crewmember desires. In Picard's case, Tea Earl Grey Hot! Riker gets a vibrator. Troi, a particular mix of heroin and qualuudes.
Classy and tasty enema.
maybe instead of teleporting out the entire contents of a full rectum, you teleport a ml at a time, or basically teleport every tiny bit as it enters the rectum, same with the bladder.
Honestly, teleporter tech is criminally underused in that universe.
can you teleport out co2 from the alveoli and replace with oxygen instead of needing a respirator? imagine 99% of surgeries could be done with teleport tech instead of needing to cut anything.
fuck, maybe that is how Hypospray works, and how it can inject drugs into the bloodstream without hurting the skin or the clothes they are wearing.
There is also the transporter buffer, they can put a lot of stuff in the buffer, why not use it for storage? Or maybe a brig?
One of the Abrahams movie casually made spaceships obsolete by having teleporters that can reach across the galaxy.
And those are ideas that I came up in a couple minutes of thinking.
I've just thought of another consequence: if the waste is always teleported out, then the muscles of the bladder and the rectum are gonna become dystrophic, while the anal sphincter forgets how to loosen. In addition, the urinary tract might dry out for want of any moisture from the bladder.
Now imagine that one day your trusty crap teleporter breaks down. You're stuck with piss and shit filling the bladder and the rectum, while both outlets are plugged from years of disuse and you don't know anymore how to push the stuff out.
it wouldn't just happen to you. but to everyone in the ship. they have to fix it before they start wretching in pain.
Indeed. Wait, did you forget that your ship is a minuscule trade boat, and the whole crew is you and another guy, with none of you being specialists in teleporter repair?
Your bladder and rectum lost their elasticity and volume long ago due to never being filled more than a bit.
You're still a day away from your destination.
horror survival story
Photon < Quantum < RECTUM TORPEDOS (or rectal, if you prefer)
I agree. You gotta look at it like when a live theater actor starts pulling red scarves outta their shirt when their character gets stabbed. Obviously it looks nothing like real blood but bruh. Pipe down and enjoy the play, OK? For a while I followed somebody on tumblr who did art of what each species might look like if star trek had way more sfx resources. They were also a massive scaly LOL a looot of the art was Garak/Bashir.
although honestly, a play where someone gets stabbed in the first scene, and all the actors are horrified by the fact that instead of bleeding and dying, a red scarf comes out, they see he is still breathing but unresponsive. then they spend the rest of the play having an existential crisis slowly realizing that they are in a play and they will all cease to exist when it's over.
that would be an awesome play.
‘Rosencranz and Guildenstern are Dead’ is sorta this. The film does a good job of immersion, which enhances the meta-play effect.
great suggestion, I will check it out
Holy shit, please write that.
Tom Stoppard already pretty much did. Watch ‘Rosencranz and Guildenstern are Dead’.
no idea how to write theater or scripts, I did write a short story where someone starts hearing the narrator on his dream and they have a conversation and end up having an existential crisis. even when the narrator promised him that he will forget the dream.