this post was submitted on 18 Apr 2026
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Women do get a shitload more time off work for it than men, so they kinda have to be the one doing most of the childcare regardless of what either parent actually wants.
Friend of ours recently had another child, she is getting most of a year off, he got a couple weeks.
Here in Denmark people believe in shared parenting, so both parents get leave. "Parental leave" as opposed to "maternal" or "paternal" leave.
Yeah a few countries are more equal, of course you also have some that equally tell you to get fucked.
My work gives parental leave based on whether they're the primary caretaker or the secondary one. The primary gets 6 months, the secondary gets 3.
What decider whether you're primary or secondary? Simple. If your partner is taking more than 3 months they're primary.
What this means in practice is that for US-based employees pretty much everyone at my company is the primary caretaker since few people's spouses even have the option for more than 3 months.
You can just lie, no? My employer doesn't get to know the employment status of my spouse; she doesn't work for them. Seems like an invasion of privacy, but I could be misunderstanding the policy. If both companies have that same policy does it cause an infinite loop? 😆
If both employers have the same policy, one spouse selects primary and the other selects secondary.
Still not understanding what would prevent you from both selecting primary. A US company cannot reach into a whole other company's employee records, right? Not without you volunteering that info. I suppose it might be legal to require that info as a condition of that specific type of leave, knowing the US lol. Or if the leave is arranged through the state or shared third-party HR platform I could see how that might automatically sync up.
I just am having trouble trying to imagine giving that level of detail voluntarily unless my arm was twisted. The place I work for barely knows my wife and kid exist because they're on my insurance plan, tax docs, etc. They don't know if my wife even works at all, nevermind for whom and how much time off she's taking from that.
That's a couple of weeks more than I ever got.
Same. I got my PTO requests approved for the day of the delivery and the day after, but "they couldn't spare me for a third day"
Sure, but then don't be surprised at the other person doing less of the childcare when they have to go back to work almost straight away.
Ehh, at that point it is going to vary so much by relationship, lifestyle and work its hard to really say.
Is your job easier or harder than raising kids? While I haven't raised kids I have hung out with people who have them, pretty sure I have worked jobs that are much harder but currently do one that is much easier.
That's nonsense. Raising young kids is more work than most jobs, sure. But that's not because it has equal work density. It's an exhausting 20h/day 7d/week low-med effort task. A job is a 8-12h/day 5-6d/wk med-high energy task. Miss me with that 50/50 as soon as you come home crap. That's a ridiculous goal. Not to mention you shouldn't be wasting time making a mental accounting spreadsheet to figure out if your partner did enough work to deserve sex that day.
Ideally everyone should have put in the same effort into the day and both partners should have the same energy level going to bed. Some days you both fall asleep dead, knowing you'll wake up in two hours with the baby crying. Some days you get to bed with a little extra energy and the baby is sleeping through the night and maybe you have to think of something to do with that extra energy.
It's obvious you'll have less sex with a tiny baby just from the exhaustion, but if you're wasting energy resenting eachother because of low effort, unrealistic expectations, or withholding sex, then maybe y'all need to consider whether you need to work on your relationship or look for another one. Because some of what I've read in this thread on both sides sounds more exhausting than single parenting 50% of the time and working a full time job.
This is a crazy take. My toddler is absolutely more work than any other job I've ever worked and I've done office work, physical labor, heck even childcare! If you give two shits about your kid, and follow modern childcare standards, childcare is a very taxing job. If you're a crappy parent who just lets the kid eat fruit snacks and watch TV maybe it's easier than whatever job the other parent has, but my husband works blue collar and we both agree that often my job is more taxing. He absolutely picks up 50% or more of the work when he comes home, and on weekends. When he burns out he gets a break, and when I burn out I get a break. We're actually a team.
I want sex more than he does because I'm well taken care of, and he's equally exhausted from helping. Literally cannot imagine saying no thanks if sex is on the table cause also, when a man is generous and equitable with his labor in life, that also spills over to how generous and equitable he is in bed.
I mean it looks like you two are living by the fall asleep with the same energy playbook so good work! At least you're using some good tag team logic. I love the collaboration.
Completely anecdotal and privileged: my desk job was so much less dense than child care that going to work felt like a break when we had babies. Not to imply anything bad about anybody! But the mental accounting isn't just unhealthy, it's impossible because you don't know how hard someone else's subjective experience is.
The job wasn't even good! It was galling and crushing. But at least I knew what was happening that day and could influence it somewhat.