this post was submitted on 08 Sep 2026
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The difference is what you do around it.
Friend's birthday is coming up next week, and they care about you and you wanna show you care about them? Well the day before (or whatever timeline you need), you don't do anything that drains your batteries, or do things to recharge them, so that when it's time to go to the party, the battery is full.
If we're gonna treat social as a limited resource, then being a good friend means spending that resource on them. If we give it a number, then let's say a birthday gift costs 50. It doesn't matter if your battery holds 100 or 100, save 50 for the party.
I have a relative who does the battery thing, and the key thing that puts them in the "doesn't care" category despite a mental disorder that absolutely qualifies them for the battery analogy, is they just don't spend their battery unless it's a benefit to them. They won't spend it on one of their friends unless it's one of like, 2 specific people, so it's an excuse.
Exactly, you can pick your priorities.
Well, have you read the linked spoon theory? I ended a friendship once by not going to their birthday. I did nothing unavoidable and there was no option, no priority (unless loosing your normal even already part time job would be a valid option for you, to go to such a party) given. Yet still I hadn't the energy left.
Have you read the story in my link? Getting out of bed, brushing your teeth, putting on clothes, leaving the house (because your boss do not accept a "no" regarding his demands for you to work today, and you need that job to pay your bills [or debts even]), etc. already costs. For a normal person, this would maybe count as recharge, if you skip yoga and pilates orders food instead of cooking yourself (if you have the money to do so, that is to say). For me on my bad days, this isn't recharging, but going way over my limits. Plus one can have good or bad days and believe that it'll be fine only to wake up, when the birthday is and … "shit"!
Believe me! I've been there and I've done that (loosing a persons friendship, because it was simply impossible to follow their invitation and celebrate that day with them together. It isn't that easy, if your (here mental) health isn't "normal", as it may seem to you.
And if your battery, without doing anything else, is at 10 or 20 … whilst the party costs 50? That was my situation, where a could be friendship ended.
Well, I have zero friends nowadays. So no excuse here. Plus I know of people whom, by their lack of friends, are going insane/suicidal, so I doubt them to only be presenting excuses there as well.
That's still the difference. I also feel spent and use the battery analogy in my day to day life. My "capacity" is pretty decent, I can afford things, but I have to manage it, and yeah, so much is a cost, even things you'd never expect.
If we say a party costs 50 and your battery is at 20, that sucks. That relative I mentioned has been suicidal over this, and its entirely possible that their inability to manage that battery is directly caused by their mental health struggles, too. I'm not claiming they're a bad person, when I say they're a bad friend. I'm saying they aren't going to be there for those that call them "friend". It has absolutely been a lifelong struggle for them, and that sucks, but they cannot do it. I cannot power a laptop with a standard phone charger, even if they're both USB-C, and this person I know isn't a good friend outside of a very small group they have.
I don't mean to sound like a dick when I say that, everyone's different and we have different struggles, different things take a different amount of battery or take more or less spoons.
The issue of "how do you tell if someone's running on empty or just not willing to put energy into it?" is a whole separate issue than "this costs more battery than I have when fully charged". The solution to the first, is managing your charge. The answer to the second, I dunno. To me, that feels like the mental health equivalent of asking if this mole looks cancery online, and if I was in that situation, I'd be seeing a therapist or a med manager about it. Not saying you haven't tried or anything, I'm just saying I don't know the answer to that, and I have the feeling the answer is way deeper than someone on the internet will be able to go. I sincerely hope things go well for you, though.
My questions were rather rhetorical, as I too doubt, that one can easily distinguish between those with low batteries and those who may only claim to have low batteries (which is why opposed the "just be a friend" request from the top post in the first place. "Just be a friend" is not always that simple).
I wasn't "really" asking for advice or the like. Sorry if I made the expression. I was rather just trying to speak on other peoples behalf. Thanks nevertheless for the good wishes.