this post was submitted on 24 Mar 2026
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Lemmy Shitpost

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[–] SpaceNoodle@lemmy.world 32 points 5 days ago

Only fifteen minutes? Speed demon

[–] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 11 points 4 days ago (2 children)

Only 15 minutes? You're doing pretty good!

Shower chairs make this process wonderful. Also like 45 minutes if you fall asleep (when your spouse comes in to check on you)

[–] PhoenixDog@lemmy.world 3 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago) (2 children)

I do it in bed.

My brain likes to loop every scenario that can happen during the day (When I'm at work. When I'm off I'm just a house cat). So I always set my alarm at least an hour before I plan on getting up (I can start my day at work mostly on my own schedule).

So say my alarm goes off at 4am, (unless I've woken up 45 minutes before it) I hit snooze. And I just lay there in the dark, snuggle the dog, get comfortable, and let my brain work out all the anxiety and situations it needs to. Alarm goes off, my brain knows it's 4:15am. I have 45 more minutes. Hit snooze, get comfy, stretch, let brain work through the noise. Repeat.

Fast forward to 5am. I get out of bed, get dressed with my work clothes already for me at the end of my bed. I let the dog outside while I pour the coffee I prepared the morning before on a timer into my big travel mug, wait for dog to come back inside, kiss dog, kiss wife, grab keys and go.

I'm normally out of bed and out the door in roughly 15 minutes.

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[–] criss_cross@lemmy.world 26 points 5 days ago (3 children)

Where’s the stage where you cry in the fetal position for 20 minutes?

[–] MelodiousFunk@slrpnk.net 9 points 5 days ago

Beyond lies "soaping while sobbing," for the afflicted with a busy schedule.

Before bootyhole business

[–] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 3 points 4 days ago

That's during the afternoon shower

[–] three@lemmy.zip 14 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) (3 children)

Add 10 for liberally soaping your ass crack and gently gliding your hand around and across your hole and oops you pushed your finger a little inside but that's ok the soap didn't get in there so maybe you do it a few m9re times while caressing your chest and now your head is spinning and you're breathing hard AND THE HOT WATER RUNS OUT

[–] SpankyDoodle@eviltoast.org 4 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Quit describing my showers!

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[–] Rekorse@sh.itjust.works 4 points 5 days ago

Small water heater tanks are the worst.

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[–] OR3X@lemmy.world 7 points 4 days ago (4 children)

Morning shower people are weird. Do you shower before bed and then in the morning as well or do you just get into bed with the day's filth all over you?

[–] AdolfSchmitler@lemmy.world 10 points 4 days ago (2 children)

If you're blue collar you shower after work, white collar showers before

When I lived in Texas the humidity made me so greasy I had to do both

[–] Sylvartas@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 points 4 days ago

Or after. I usually shower in the morning in summer and in the evening in winter.

[–] versionc@lemmy.world 3 points 4 days ago (1 children)

I shower twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening.

[–] Run_The_Jewels@lemmus.org 3 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Showering twice a day is unhealthy for your skin.

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[–] Malfeasant@lemmy.world 3 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago) (1 children)

I sit in an office all day, not much filth. But yeah, if I go for a bike ride and get all sweaty, I'll shower after, but then I'll usually forgo the next morning's shower... only usually, because morning shower helps me wake up.

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[–] mrgoosmoos@lemmy.ca 2 points 4 days ago

if all I did was sit at home all day, yeah I don't usually shower before bed

but most of the time it's both morning and night

[–] basxto@discuss.tchncs.de 6 points 4 days ago (2 children)

People let the water run while they shampoo? Does that even work?

[–] village604@adultswim.fan 9 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Most shower heads are capable of moving enough that your head isn't always in the direct path.

[–] Malfeasant@lemmy.world 5 points 4 days ago

My own head is capable of moving enough that my showerhead doesn't need to...

[–] THE_GR8_MIKE@lemmy.world 6 points 4 days ago (1 children)

I mean, the water isn't running into your head while you're doing it. You turn the water off when you shampoo? Don't you get cold?

[–] basxto@discuss.tchncs.de 3 points 4 days ago (3 children)

Don’t you get cold?

No. But I probably shower hot enough for the air in the shower being warmed up

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[–] jpreston2005@lemmy.world 3 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago) (1 children)

Pro-Tip: If you lay down in the shower with a bath pillow, you can collect a bunch of water in your groin, before releasing it like a wave. Feels fuckin' Great. You can also point your toes at the shower, to get'em real nice and warm. Put a small damp cloth over your eyes and the bridge of your nose, and you can fuckin' fall asleep. Feels like your back in the womb.

[–] BanMe@lemmy.world 2 points 4 days ago

I am envious of shorter people sometimes, that just sounds like a DIY waterboarding situation for my 6'2 ass, but you make it sound really nice

[–] CrowAirbrush@lemmy.world 4 points 4 days ago (1 children)

I miss those showers at home, where you didn't need to care about bills as your parents protected you from those.

My showers easily ended up being 30min long, looking back I wish those bills still took a similar % of your income. I'd happily sink away into my empty brain under a steaming hot shower.

[–] mrgoosmoos@lemmy.ca 4 points 4 days ago

the money I spend on water and gas is well worth it

[–] smuuthbrane@sh.itjust.works 8 points 5 days ago (1 children)
[–] Sciaphobia@sh.itjust.works 17 points 5 days ago (5 children)

I've never understood shower wanks. Water is a terrible lubricant.

[–] alekwithak@lemmy.world 21 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) (1 children)

Standing = bad
Water = bad
Hot water = also bad for different reasons
Soap: stings

Yeah idgi either. I understand why women make the assumption, because at least they have the showerhead, but I'm surprised to see male support for the shower wank. Different strokes, I guess.

I mean I'm not into it either but shower chairs aren't that expensive if you've got a kink

[–] smuuthbrane@sh.itjust.works 15 points 5 days ago (2 children)

I've never been left wanting for lubrication, regardless of the wank location. You must be using a different technique than I.

[–] guynamedzero@piefed.zeromedia.vip 9 points 5 days ago (1 children)

Kinda same, lube makes it feel better, but I don’t need it, I am cut, so maybe uncut is more sensitive to it?

[–] Malfeasant@lemmy.world 4 points 4 days ago

Uncut here, never needed lube either.

[–] Kolanaki@pawb.social 6 points 5 days ago

I'm circumcised and still have enough skin to crank my hog without lube. 🤷‍♂️

[–] Tmiwi@lemmy.world 7 points 5 days ago (1 children)
[–] Sciaphobia@sh.itjust.works 9 points 5 days ago (5 children)

You know, this may sound silly, but you just taught me something about myself with just that one word. I have never had the experience of not having privacy. My parents let me close my bedroom door and would not just barge in without knocking. I have never lived with anyone as an adult who would violate my privacy either. I've never needed to consider privacy in that way because I have never lacked it. A sort of privilege I had I hadn't realized until you said that.

you are making me nostalgic for the 3 years of my life i had privacy

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[–] basxto@discuss.tchncs.de 4 points 4 days ago

I would’ve expected they wank in the shower before they actually shower?

Is that why everybody wants to have a waterproof phone these days?

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[–] stickyprimer@lemmy.world 5 points 5 days ago

Wow there’s a way to prepare for it? Please share the details. I’m still on “stumble out and get blindsided by it all again.”

[–] Bakedtaint@lemmy.world 2 points 4 days ago

Accurate. Except I sit down

[–] Bullerfar@lemmy.world 3 points 4 days ago

Yep, exactly me

[–] bfg9k@lemmy.world 2 points 4 days ago

Not me showering before bed so I can make it to the train before being alone with my thoughts

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